me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
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me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Phonetics
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.