Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
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A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.