“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Cat.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.