Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
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To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.