[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
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My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
no refunds
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
my astrological sign is a french fry
fair
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.