Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I don’t know what to do
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Phonetics
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…