Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.