[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.