Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
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Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable