me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
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[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.