Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
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I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*