I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
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All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner