Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
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[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity