Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
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Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs