[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
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You know I’m something of a chef myself
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words