“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.