sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
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911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
being a writer on Twitter:
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
that’s really how it is
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one