ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
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“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this