If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Isn’t
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.