The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
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Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
wow
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks