Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?