Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
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You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Mistakes were made
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.