“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Well, this explains it:
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)