The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
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Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go