It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*