every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
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“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
lumberjacks will cut a birch
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever