I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
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“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.