Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
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I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.