I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
You Might Also Like
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.