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This hospital has everything
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.