Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
You Might Also Like
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
How is it still this week?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Skills
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.