A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark