Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
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Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
ibopfufen
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*