agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
You Might Also Like
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.