People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store