People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better