If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
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[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
handsome & gretel
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
#polloftheday
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.