5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
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With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
wtf is an acronym
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Love it! 👍😂
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.