VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
You Might Also Like
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
We like the way Dwight thinks
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.