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Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
The dark side of Canada
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU