[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹