Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
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My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I see your IQ test came back negative
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
When I snag the last meatball.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*