My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
You Might Also Like
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
(True)
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?