where’s Godzilla when we need him
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I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Why I divorced her.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them