[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
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I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Nice try, poison.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread