me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
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boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
#winning
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.