Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
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Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Breaking news:
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.