I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
You Might Also Like
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed