me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
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Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒