I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
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Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
No way!
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.